My Older Sisters Death: Mothers Make People Real, at least me.
Last night was probably one of my longest nights on the road so far. Around 2am via Skype I talked to my mom about the misfortunate death of my older sister Beth. I honestly had no real great connection other than she was my only link through my father, who also unfortunately died when I was 14. This blog will give you alot of back history to my life as a kid and also going further into my adulthood, and also why my mother has played such a trivial part in my travels and in my life.
When I was born like many men born into this world now days. The father is no where to be seen. More Single mothers exist now than they ever did before. I was a product of a single mother raising. I didn’t grow up wrestling my mother or trying to be like my father. I always wanted to know who my father was and the idea of having a father fascinated me. I remember trying to call him when I was 7 through 8 just to talk to him for a brief moment. I remember calling and saying “Hey this is James, Jim Morris’s son is my father around?” I remember my mom always telling me we were better off alone. I always misunderstood her but I understand now as I get older how much of a crucial part she played in the man I am now. She made me humble, not cocky at the fact life is something you grow with not something you beat. She made me feel wanted something my father never did. It’s hard for me typing this at times because it really seems I used to use the “I had no dad” card alot. To be honest a mother knows best and for her to say “James you are you because of you.” I blame my mother for being the distant cook. She knew all the right ingredients to make me who I am but let me put them in myself. Nothing was free in our world and everything was a struggle. Just like this trip. Nothing is ever free, nothing is perfect. Nothing.
When I was old enough to gain contact with my sister I did, only after the death of my father did I meet my sister, who by the way is 2 years older than my mother. We met at a cafe in Homestead, Fl she was thin beautiful for her age, smoked and drove a new two cadillac. She had my smile and walked like I did, alive. She sat down we both ordered coffee and she told me how much I looked like my dad. She told me how interesting he was. Stories of the past, She gave me my first picture of my father that wasn’t torn out of the phone book. (My Father owned a Bails Bonds Firm in Homestead so he was that dude in the phone book with the huge picture) She told me how she took her convertible when she was younger and drove the california coast and how amazing it was. I was 16 and she was so right. I had to see it for myself and I Beth, Sis, thank you. I wish I spoke with her more. I felt maybe her age was what held back our conversations and I wish I embraced her more. I wish I got more stories of my father out of her. Than again I am glad I only got the good ones. I didn’t have time to dig. I didn’t have time to ruin my image of him. Even though he never raised me I had gained my own imagine of my father. A Smooth Operator, a green beret, an intellect, and a man who made his financial destiny come true. But was he happy. I wasn’t for the fact I never knew. I am not my father, like many people who grow up with accomplished fathers, I grew up with a mother who cared how I felt and would say it’s ok not do something. Be anything, Do anything, and see the world. Everyday she told me I could do anything and I think I still use that enforcement everday. Something a father sometimes doesn’t do because he wants a lawyer, a doctor, a business man, or professional athlete. My mom just wanted a happy son.
So on a rainy day when I am supposed to be sad I am proud to have had the small moments I did with my sister. I am proud to have grown up with my mother. I am proud she still tells me she is proud of me. I haven’t lost her and the moment you start to lose contact with your mom when you can have contact with her is the moment you become a stone, jaded, and for some men rough. I am neither I am happy to be alive and happy to be my fathers last testament to his direct gene. I am alive today more than every and letting go of what has held me back in the past.
Love you Mom,
James
The Last Gene Of Jim Morris....
Your an amazing writer. You need to be published. You, my friend, keep on doing your thing.
James that was a beautiful thing to read. You are such an amazing person. You touch so many people in so many distant places. Those of us lucky enough to know YOU are truely blessed.. Your mom must be so proud of the man you’ve become. She touched the world in giving us you! I’m sure that meeting with your sister meant more to her than you ever knew. Big hugs my friend. Be safe. Xoxo
James i would just like to say i have been reading all of your blogs..but this one hit home quite a bit..I am a single mother of three with their father nowhere around..and i only hope i am doing the great job that your mother did. I hope my son will grow up and have the love that you have for your mother..and i hope my daughters grow up to be strong women like i try to be….I love what you’re doing..I love your writing..and I love your outlook on life!! you’re awesome..and inspiring..keep on keepin on!!! <3 <3
I think you are the quintessence of cocky and arrogance. You’re the least humble person in the world. You’re an arrogant prick who milked his fathers death to win the lame ass title of Mr Sarasota in highschool.(but you sure made it sound like you knew your dad..liar) You’re an attention whore, from your free ugly tattoos, to your uninspiring bike rides all the way to you gay porn stint. There are real people out there that have known, loved, and lost so much more than you ever will. My father is alive. He left me when i was 11 years old because of his addiction to alcohol and drugs. He made fun of me for being overweight and being ugly. He beat me regularly, usually when he was drunk. He almost killed my brother and mother. He remarried to another woman whose little boy gets more support from him than his own kids do. She will not get a job(he’s pretty poor as it is) and convinced him to no longer support my brother and me so she could afford her perscriptions, not to mention he moved to another state without telling me. What sucks more is I actually have GOOD memories of him from before he was an alcoholic. I was his little girl, his princess, he would have killed anyone who tried to hurt me. The worst part of it all is seeing someone you love and who loved you slowly die in front of your eyes but still remain there. I fortunately(or un-fortunately depending on how you look at it) know what having a loving, supportive father is like, and all to well what it’s like to have him taken away. But, because of him, I no longer have a meaningful relationship with my brother, nor my mother. The only woman who ever cared about me, my grandmother, passed away and now I have nobody. Stop trying to make a sob story out of your life. Everyone has problems, and yours are on par with evryone else. Deal. Oh and Mando, go to college and read some real literature, not blogs.
@Not fooled
I am sorry that you lost so much. I didn’t intend to write this blog to make you more angry at the situations that have arose in your life. I was trying to express myself and the best way to do that is to write. I don’t want the attention and the letter is actually intended to my mother. The blog mainly has to do about my travels and the daily struggles. I am sure you know about struggles it seems like you have tons of them but it also seems you have aot of anger to the hand you have been dealt. I am learning to grow with what I have, I hope you can do the same. Try looking at the positives in life. It seems we went to highschool together and it seems you have resented me for a very longtime. I am glad I cause some stir in you, I wish it was more of a positive one. I am truly sorry for your issues and I hope you doing amazing things with your education. I am glad you read my blogs and I hope you will learn that life is sometimes truly unpredictable, please just focus on the positive vibes of it all and from what it says on your facebook, which sadly has no picture that your still in sarasota. I hope you adventure, I hope you see that people don’t judge as harshly as you think. That there are still good people out there. i feel like you might have had alot of negatives and I will have no idea your pain but be well and even though this might now hit you at all I hope you have a wonderful day.
James
James, your life made you a wonderful, loving person. That is the part of you I want to try to be like. I hope I meet you someday and you can be my real friend instead of my myspace/facebook friend. My great-aunt died today, so I will pray for you. Be safe.
Love,
Parker from Tennessee
What a touching story. I’m a single mom as well and my son has never met his father. I’ve always tried to encourage him to do and be whatever he wants in life and hope that I’ve managed to instill some of the same values in him that you have. Your mom must be very proud of you.
James you are a blessing and I LOVE you.
James, you continue to amaze me. When you said earlier today that you need to work it through in writing, you did good!
Linda, we skyped while I was visiting James & Faith over Christmas/New Years. Most married couples/parents screw up their children….you did an amazing job as a single parent, a mentor, a friend, and an inspiration. Hats off to you.
Not Fooled, I, too, grew up with a raging alcoholic abusive father, story similar to yours….not being cruel when I say this but get help. Alcoholism isn’t a choice, it’s a nasty nasty disease. You need to find peace within yourself before you will ever find peace in your life. Al-Anon is a good start (& it’s free), you’ll find that you are not alone…..
James, that was a very sweet letter to write to your mother. I’m a mom and you have met my 2 children!! I know your mom is proud of you. I’m proud of you too. You are doing something in your life that you will remember until you are very old. It is something you had to do while you are still young. I admire your courage and hope we will meet again someday. And BB just isn’t the same without you
JUDY
James, you are an AMAZING writer. I am an older mom, was told I would never have children, even though that is ALL I ever wanted was to be a Mommy. Well, 11-06-07 I FINALLY gave birth to one of the most wonderful miracles I will ever have. I am not married, but do currently live with with my son’s father. I am trying to be the BEST MOM I can, but there are days, like today as a matter of fact I just sit and cry in fear I am not doing everything right, and I will fail my son. I am so afraid he will be disappointed, or embarrassed of me, or worse than those, I am scared to death he will spout out the words, “I HATE YOU!” ……. I think I will officially DIE inside at that precise millisecond. I rarely raise my voice, I am NOT a hitter, at so far, haven’t even used TIME OUT in fear of destroying my son’s self-esteem, or sense of self worth. I just want my son to LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY … I know there will be a day I will have to TRULY scold him, and have to use TIME OUTS and such, but it hurts me to think about that~ I KNOW, I’M headed for a HUGE ISSUE later
I cried reading your latest blog for the simple fact, your MOM is YOUR HERO … and that is INCREDIBLE to read. I KNOW your Mom is proud of you as the MAN she raised, but also for the MAN *YOU* worked to become. Yes, you are a tad wild with your FLAMING RED HAIR, and MULTIPLE TATTOOS.. but that is what makes you JAMES, and the UNIQUE James I KNOW your mom must be so proud of.
Never doubt for a moment that you have 2 guardian angles at this time … your father, and your sister … now that they have been called back to EVERLASTING LIFE, and HAPPINESS, I am sure they are sitting above you to protect you, and keep you safe!!!! I hope KNOWING this brings a sense of peace to your heart and head!
God Bless James, and keep writing … you are amazing!
I love reading your blogs James.You are truly an inspiration. You make me want to live not just exist.
Damn James you do look just like him. And I bet deep down inside he wished he could have gotten to know you. Sometimes men just let their pride get in their way.
@Not fooled
I’m sorry for your troubles. I did in fact go to college and beyond, I graduated from university 4 years ago. Rather in a blog or in book, one learns to appreciate the written word regardless of its source. All my best.
@Hunter’s Mom I remember fearing the dreadful “I hate you!” coming out of my child (and three years later, children). I was excited that it took 6 years for that to happen (When they go to school and get corrupted by others..LOL). I remember how it felt, I died inside. I looked at my son and said, “I love you.” Later when we both cooled down I talked to him and asked him if he hated me, or what I did. He said, “I LOVE you mommy, I didn’t like what you did.” I then asked him to not say that he hates me, but he hates what I’m DOING or SAYING. I also explained that hate is a very hurtful word.
@James, I am not a single mother. However EVERY day I want to make sure that I am raising a boy who will one day become a man, who appreciates and respects other beings. I want him to be kind to others and treat women with the respect they diserve (so long as the woman is respecting him). Single mother or not, for me personally, I feel it is my job to teach him how a man should be towards a woman. I always remind him that when he’s away from me, to do things that would make him proud first & me proud next. I admire your adventures, your life journey and I am sad for your loss. It is not a fun thing to go through.
On a side note, I just found out there’s a starn in space that holds 1 billion, billion, billion gallons of alchol called SAGITARIUS B. just thought i’d throw that in there. and I’m glad that you continue to let those who care, get to know you. you are a great storyteller and i enjoy reading what you write
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James: Thanks for sharing and for keeping it real. I found your writing to be both moving and inspiring. Like you!
you’re fucking incredible, james. you are the most patient, understanding person that i’ve ever meant. i can’t believe how calm and loving you were to the girl who bitched you out about her problems. You’re amazing. I miss you. I love you so much. I can’t wait to see you.
Hey James!!! Im so happy to see you are doing great it seems after the whole bb trip!! very touching blog! So where are you now in the world? hope life is treating you well!!